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Enron Mail |
-----Original Message----- From: Cannizaro, Brandi Z SITI-ITPSCA [mailto:bcannizaro@Shell.Com] Sent: Monday, January 21, 2002 7:41 AM To: Brad Jacobs (E-mail); Bryan Bonura (E-mail); Jay Thompson (E-mail); Jennifer Hessels (E-mail); John W Unger Jr. (E-mail); Thompson, Michelle; Patricia Moncada (E-mail); Ross Cannizaro (E-mail); Husser, Shanna; Hessels, Troy V Alliance Subject: FW: New Orleans This one made me kind of home sick ... but, was a good laugh :)) < < If you come to New Orleans, you better say it right. It's pronounced "New < < Orlenz". No one from here says "New Orleens" unless they are writing a < song < < or they want their ass kicked. < < < < It's hot. It's humid. It rains. Those are the only 3 weather patterns we < have < < here. < < < < 3 out of 4 people who live in New Orleans have a drinking problem. 3 out < of 7 < < have a gambling problem. < < < < No one eats healthy. Fried Batter is actually a menu item in some < < restaurants. < < < < The shopping sucks, unless you are buying: beer, hookers or antiques. < < < < The mall is not close to anywhere, and if you get there, they don't have < what < < you came to purchase. < < < < The amount of cash you spend on gasoline and cigarettes in a month exceeds < < your rent/house note. < < < < Giving directions to a non-local in New Orleans is a waste of time. Every < < street intersects with each other. No two streets run parallel to each < other. < < < < The West Bank is actually East of the city. It would take too long to < < explain. < < < < The roads in New Orleans have potholes that are large enough to hide an < < aircraft carrier. No one is trying to correct this problem. < < < < 1 out of 3 street names are impossible to pronounce unless you were born < in < < New Orleans, or you are a cajun. < < < < If the levee breaks, everyone here will die. No one seems worried about < this < < problem either. < < < < There are 365 days in the year. There are 414 parties/festivals in New < < Orleans. (That's just in a slow month). < < < < Then how come no one ever leaves? < < ####################################################### < < Louisiana Driving Rules: < < < < 1-A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people < can < < cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane < waiting < < for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the < orange < < construction barrels. < < < < 2-Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Louisiana driver < never < < uses them. Use of them in New Orleans may be illegal. < < < < 3-Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and < the < < car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else < putting < < you in an even more dangerous situation. < < < < 4-Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going < < with the flow". < < < < 5-The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you < have < < of getting hit. < < < < 6-Never get in the way of an older car than needs extensive bodywork. < < < < ####################################################### < < SOUTHERN ADVICE < < < < If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to < the < < South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to < the < < difference in lifestyles: < < < < If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel < drive < < pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help < them; < < just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. < < < < Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't < < buy food at this store. < < < < Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is < < plural possessive. < < < < Get used to hearing 'You ain't from 'round here, 'er ya? < < < < The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's < < vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most < Northerners < < begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in < denial < < about it. < < < < Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here. < < < < If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should < stay < < out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. < < < < If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest < < accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery < store. < < It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have < < to go there. < < < < Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they < < are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim. < < < < The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater samiches. < < < < The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses. < < < < The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions. < < < < The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on Nails. < < < < The North has double last names .. The South has double first names. < < < < The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Jesse Helms. < < < < The North has an ambulance .. The South has an amalance. < < < < The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits. < < < < The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens. < < < < The North has lobsters .. The South has crawdads. < < < < AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think < we < < will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the < < oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits. < < < < HAVE A GOOD DAY! Send this to four people that ain't related to ya, and I < < reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it!
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