FW: Unclassified rules

-----Original Message-----
From: =09Baughman Jr., Don =20
Sent:=09Friday, July 20, 2001 8:49 AM
To:=09Bat Oggero (E-mail); Christian Kvorning (E-mail); Clay Dryden (E-mail=
); Clint Wilson (E-mail); David Nobles (E-mail); Don Baughman Sr. (E-mail);=
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ail); Joe Kuehler (E-mail); Joe Stepenovich (E-mail); Kinser, John; Kari Tr=
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enson, Robert; Bentley, Corry; Lorenz, Matt; Acevedo, Rudy; Sewell, Doug; M=
uschar, Daniel; Choate, Jason; Makkai, Peter; Hanse, Patrick
Subject:=09Unclassified rules

These are the rules, no exceptions especially 15.=20
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1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally =20
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. =20
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2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. =20
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3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: =20
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master =20
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse =20
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari =20
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game =20
e. When your Date is using her teeth =20
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4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a =20
friend out of jail within 12 hours. =20
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5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move =20
a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident =20
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6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move: =20
a. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns =20
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7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off =20
limits forever, unless you actually marry her. =20
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8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running =20
late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have =
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to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic =
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1-10 scale. =20
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9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is =20
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable. =20
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10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another =
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man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly =20
optional.) =20
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11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the =
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weakest. =20
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12. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends =20
within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice =20
with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low level sports =20
bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double =20
standard because it's twice as true). =20
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13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not =20
appear in public wearing more than one swoosh. =20
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14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may =20
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask =20
who's playing. =20
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15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought =20
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of =
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flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. =20
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16. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed to =20
kick another guy in the nuts. =20
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18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. =20
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19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. =20
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20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see =20
nothin'. =20
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21. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as =20
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to =20
pick a buffalo wing clean (chicken wing). =20
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22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a =
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girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire =20
and threw it into a ceiling fan. =20
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23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must =20
remain sober enough to fight. =20
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24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of =20
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. =20
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25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking =20
about his choice of beer. =20
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26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, =20
except if she's withholding sex pending your response. =20
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27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting =20
weights: =20
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! =20
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! =20
c. Another set and we can hit the showers! =20
d. Nice Ass, Are you a Sagittarius? =20
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28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: =20
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an =
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almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. =20
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29. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you =20
are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang =20
up if necessary. =20
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30. When a buddy is trying to hook you up, you may sabotage him only in =
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a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either. =20
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31. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive =20
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with =20
limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he =20
thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the =20
loudspeaker every seven minutes. =20
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32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" =20
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and =20
guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about =20
what a big mistake it was. =20
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33. Always split aces and eights. No arguments.