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----- Forwarded by Jon Trevelise/Houston/Eott on 10/24/2001 09:44 AM ----- Robin Border 10/24/2001 08:28 AM To: Lance Nash/Houston/Eott@Eott, Joe Richards/Houston/Eott@Eott, Jon Trevelise/Houston/Eott@Eott, Molly Sample/Houston/Eott@Eott, Susan Ralph/Houston/Eott@Eott cc: Subject: Darwin Awards <It's that time again..... They are finally out again. < <You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to <the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing <themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner <was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on <top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. < <And the nominees are: < <9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk <cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed <gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, <and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting <explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his <sister. < <8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home <died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" <tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white <bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared <that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also <wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and <a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was <connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" <in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for <reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found <the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family <very awkward. < <7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low <altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided <to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their <own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage <with their pants around their ankles. < <6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no <details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his <father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man <face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a <pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. <After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared <dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection <of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the <cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had <caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis <between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical <sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). <According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out <one of the sanders, electrocuting him. < <5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway <near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her <passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this <would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the <fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi <key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove <along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the <Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own. < <4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to <use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. <Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a <bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, <anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped <and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said <investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found <nearby. <"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the <distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police <say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma." < <3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he <and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a <ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was <hospitalized. < <2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the <smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building <extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. <After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas <company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they <had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of <the lights worked. <Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians <reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a <cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas <in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles <away. <Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually <untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the <blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. < < <And the winner ... < <The Arizona Highway Patrolman came upon a pile of smoldering metal <embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex <of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but <it was a car. <The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally <figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy <had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - <actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military <transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. <He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long <and straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his <car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts <as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 <Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles <from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched <and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, <would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy <to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full <power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be <pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved <for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to <become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the <automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 <seconds)before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, <blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, <then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the <cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet <deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; <however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from <the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece <of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. < <Epilogue: It has been postulated that this moron nearly reached Mach <I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph. Voila'.
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