FW: Does your school qualify?

---------------------- Forwarded by Darron C Giron/HOU/ECT on 09/19/2000
03:39 PM ---------------------------

Enron North America Corp.

From: Victor Guggenheim 09/06/2000 03:14 PM

To: Phillip M Love/HOU/ECT@ECT, Darron C Giron/HOU/ECT@ECT, Jackson
Logan/HOU/ECT@ECT
cc:
Subject: FW: Does your school qualify?

A school either is or it isn't.
< Alabama is.
< Notre Dame is.
< Ohio State is.
< Michigan is.
< Texas is.
< USC is.
< Missouri thinks it is but is not, Minnesota was but is no longer,
< Wisconsin just discovered what the meaning of "is" is, Rice never was
< and Temple will never, ever be.
< We have gathered here to establish what is required to be a college
< football program.
< Mind you, this is more than an empirical hashing of wins and losses.
< Colorado won a national title in 1990 but is not a program; Ohio State
< has not won one since 1968 but is.
< Determining what constitutes a program is tricky business, as much
< about feel and intuition as it is churning out NFL talent.
< Can we whistle your fight song?
< Can mere mention of your school start a bar fight?
< Does your school consider it a moral imperative to keep expanding
< stadium capacity so as to annually lead the NCAA in attendance?
< Do we need a tow truck to haul your media guide from the mailbox to
< the front door?
< If you answered yes, yes, yes and yes to the above, you are likely a
< program.
< You have a far better chance of achieving program status if you tee it
< up in the South, where the "War of Northern Aggression" has provided
< more than four score and seven years worth of motivation.
< When Georgia (program) beat Michigan (program) at Ann Arbor in 1965,
< fans deluged the Bulldogs upon their return to Athens.
< "It was as if we had a chance to go to Gettysburg again," former
< Georgia coach Vince Dooley says of that victory in Tony Barnhart's new
< book, "Southern Fried Football."
< What does it take to make our varsity?
< National titles factor in and tradition is a must, but there is much
< more to it than that.
< A program must go the extra yard.
< Any school willing buy out a head coach's contract, no matter the
< length or the amount, is a program.
< Any school that keeps recruiting a player it can't get just to keep a
< rival school's top recruiter on the case is a program.
< You probably also qualify if:
< * The square footage of your school's weight room is roughly equal to
< that of your town's municipal airport.
< * You think the 85-man scholarship limit is a communist plot.
< * You contribute money to only two sports: football and spring
< football.
< * You publicly support Title IX but privately think it has set your
< boys back 20 years.
< * Hollywood has made a movie involving the program. "Rudy," "Big
< Chill," "Something For Joey," "Everybody's All-American," "The Spirit
< of West Point," "Hold 'em Navy," "The Bear," "Knute Rockne, All
< American," "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil."
< * Your school annually ranks in the preseason top 10 no matter how
< many starters it has coming back.
< * Your head coach could run for Congress and win in a landslide.
< * They name city streets after your coaches and players.
< * The chief of police keeps mug photos of your players in his top
< drawer.
< * Your head coach leads practice with a megaphone, from a tower.
< * You have a living mascot (UGA, Mike the Tiger, Bevo); although this
< does not guarantee enshrinement (see "Ralphie" at Colorado).
< To what length will you go for your program?
< Will one of your players come off the bench to tackle an opponent
< running free down the sideline, a la Alabama's Tommy Lewis against
< Rice's Dickie Moegle in the 1954 Cotton Bowl?
< * Are you arrogant enough (pay attention here, USC and Notre Dame) to
< keep scheduling top 10 opponents because you believe in your heart you
< are one national television victory from getting back in title
< contention?
< You get program bonus points if you had a coach or player nicknamed
< "Shug," "Bump," "Rip," "Gus," "Bear," "Bubba," "Duffy," "Muddy."
< Notable exceptions: Orin "Babe" Hollingbery at Washington State and
< Texas El Paso's "Cactus Jack" Curtice.
< You are a program if you can overlook your head coach's scandalous
< extramarital affair as long as he defeats Auburn.
< You are probably a program if you've had 10 or fewer coaches in the
< last 100 years.
< Since 1950, for example, Penn State has employed only Rip Engle and
< Joe Paterno, who have amassed a combined record of 421-131-7.
< Penn State is a program.
< Lastly, and this is very important--it can make or break a program.
< Are you willing to accept NCAA sanctions as a reasonable condition for
< winning a national title?
< This factor alone tipped the University of Washington off the program
< fence.
< You are likely not a program if:
< * You produce boatloads of NFL players but can't sell out home games.
< * You sell your tickets to the Rose Bowl when your team is in it.
< * Your marching band is banned from playing at a game but your team
< isn't.
< * You sell your home game to an opponent for financial considerations.
<
< * Your arena is named after a basketball coach, but the football
< stadium is named after a philanthropist.
< * You play in a conference that ends with any combination of the
< letters U, S and A.
< * You play in a domed stadium.
< * Your most famous football player made his name in baseball.
< * You ripped your fight song off from Nebraska and changed the words.
< The list:
< (Program note: If your school is not among the following, you are most
< likely a rat for the NCAA.)
<
< The Programs
< NOTRE DAME: The whole nine yards. Equal parts love, hate, hype,
< history, myth combined now with first-ever NCAA sanctions! They ought
< to make several movies.
< ALABAMA: Bear Bryant left Texas A&M (program) in 1958 to return to
< Tuscaloosa. Asked why, Bear said, "Mama called."
< MICHIGAN: You are a program when your Sept. 16 game at UCLA can be
< written off as a "West Coast recruiting trip."
< NEBRASKA: The "American Gothic" of programs: The media guide cover
< could be a standing shot of a plow, pitchfork, sickle and blocking
< sled.
< TEXAS: It matters not that the Longhorns haven't claimed a national
< title in 30 years, because the eyes of Texas are always upon them.
< Remember, it was Darrell Royal who taught the Wishbone to Bear Bryant.
<
< OHIO STATE: Brigham Young leads Ohio State, 1-0, in national titles
< since 1968, but we're not even checking the Buckeyes' ID at the door.
< Great band, fight song, stadium, uniforms, tradition.
< OKLAHOMA: A former OU president in the Bud Wilkinson era said his goal
< was to build a university to make the football team proud. Slimier
< than crude oil in the days under the bootlegger's son, Barry Switzer,
< otherwise known in Norman as "the glory years."
< TENNESEE: These people are sick. If they don't stop this crazy
< attendance war with Michigan, Neyland Stadium in 10 years is going to
< be taller than the Eiffel Tower.
< PENN STATE: For 50 years, in an isolated hamlet, Joe Paterno has
< dominated opponents, the tube sock industry, genetics, fans and the
< media.
< USC: Hmmm. Hasn't won a national since '78. Hasn't produced a Heisman
< winner since 1981. But, as "Tusk" bandmates Fleetwood Mac put it in
< the banner years: "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow."
< FLORIDA STATE: Only a man of Bobby Bowden's clout could
< single-handedly transform the former Florida State College for Women
< into a program. Phyllis Diller never underwent this kind of face lift.
<
< GEORGIA: UGA! They play ball "between the hedges," bury deceased
< mascots in the end zone, bark like dogs on kickoffs. The women dress
< to the "9s" on game days and the men wear ties. What more needs to be
< said?
< AUBURN: We seek consistency in a program. The 1957 national title team
< under Shug Jordan was not allowed to play in a bowl because of NCAA
< violations. Terry Bowden's 1994 unbeaten squad was bowl-ineligible for
< infractions incurred under Pat Dye.
< MIAMI: Last sentence in our Psych 101 exam paper on the subject: "Not
< even a blip on the program radar screen until the 1980s, when three
< coaches led the school to four national titles with a renegade,
< counter-culture bravado that challenged and pistol-whipped established
< program morays as previously defined by Notre Dame."
< CLEMSON: Years ago a guy hauled a hunk of rock from Death Valley back
< to South Carolina and stuck it in the east end of Clemson Memorial
< Stadium. It is now tradition for players to rub "Howard's Rock" on
< entry to the field.
< This gem is right out of "The Program" handbook.
< LOUISIANA STATE: A program, so help us Billy Cannon. In 1934, Huey
< Long heard sales for a home game were lagging because Barnum and
< Bailey were in town. Long found an obscure state law prohibiting
< animals to be washed on Saturday and canceled the circus.
< MICHIGAN STATE: A tough call, but in the end we invoked our "name"
< clause, which states: Any school that has been coached by a "Muddy"
< and a "Duffy," and had a star player named "Bubba," shall henceforth
< be granted program status.
< FLORIDA: You don't even ask anymore whether the Gators are going to be
< good. Since Steve Spurrier arrived in 1990, you stick Florida in your
< preseason top 10 and go mow the lawn.
< TEXAS A&M: Last year, 12 people died while serving the program.
< ARKANSAS: It didn't hurt that the school's longtime head coach, Frank
< Broyles, made a seamless transition to longtime athletic director.
< Bonus points for playing 1969 "Game of the Century" game against
< Texas.
< ARMY-NAVY: They enter together on a special program furlough. Both
< academies have slipped a bit on the field, but the intensity of the
< annual rivalry game is still Top Gun.
< SYRACUSE: We almost 86'd the Orangeman because they play football on
< fake grass in an aircraft hanger, but two names kept haunting us in
< our sleep: Jim Brown, Ernie Davis, Jim Brown, Ernie Davis. Syracuse
< gets in on a historical pass.
< WASHINGTON: It was more than Don James and a scandal that sealed the
< Huskies' program status. The school was a turn-of-the-century
< powerhouse, winning 39 consecutive from 1908-14.
< BRIGHAM YOUNG: The Cougars qualify under the "Bowden Provision,"
< although BYU probably leans more toward "factory." Still, Coach LaVell
< Edwards has made BYU impossible to ignore. Lord knows we have tried.
< MISSISSIPPI: Faulkner-filled past and Southern charm triumphs over
< recent mediocrity. You tend to forget John Vaught coached Ole Miss to
< three national titles and that Peyton Manning's daddy once starred
< there.
< GEORGIA TECH: Two great "Bobby" coaches--Dodds and Ross--plus a coach,
< John Heisman, who led school in 1916 to a 222-0 drubbing of Cumberland
< College. It was Heisman, the man for whom the trophy is named, who
< quipped, "Better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this
< football."
< MISSISSIPPI STATE: Can you let a school in on the strength of its
< cowbells?
< Yes, and Mooooooooo!
< ARIZONA STATE: We thought of dumping ASU before considering the
< prospect of Frank Kush hopping a plane to L.A. and making the sports
< staff do bear crawls around Parker Center. Yes, the crew-cut Kush era
< is long gone, but ASU bridged the program gap with John Cooper in the
< 1980s and a national title run in 1996. What's more, ASU may be the
< only program that ever created its own bowl game--the Fiesta.
< WISCONSIN: The last school to get with our program, based on the
< strength of Barry Alvarez's remarkable decade: 70-44-4 record, three
< Big Ten titles and consecutive Rose Bowl wins. Wisconsin already had
< in its favor a Grade AAA fight song--"On Wisconsin, On Wisconsin,
< plunge right through that line!"--and the nickname power of Elroy
< "Crazy Legs" Hirsch.
<
< Thinks It Is . . . but Isn't
< UCLA: Just missed the cut (honest). Great uniforms, history, players
< and a share of the 1954 national title, but word is Angelo Mazzone
< hocked UCLA's program rights to Wisconsin for a tidy profit.
< Moreover: a program doesn't rent its home stadium from its archrivals
< for 50 years.
< COLORADO: Earned upgrade stickers for the wild and wayward Bill
< McCartney days, but this remains foremost a skiing school.
< STANFORD: We argued Stanford's case to a national football tribunal.
< Pop Warner, Jim Plunkett, John Elway, we said.
< Judge's response: "The SAT scores are way, way too high to qualify for
< program status."
< ILLINOIS: Once you get beyond the eras, Red Grange and Dick Butkus,
< the name that sticks is Jeff George.
< BOSTON COLLEGE: Under Vatican rules, there are only enough vespers to
< support one Catholic football superpower.
< KENTUCKY: Yes, Bear Bryant went 60-23-5 in Lexington, but here's the
< clincher: At a 1953 banquet, alums awarded Bryant a cigarette lighter.
< Basketball coach Adolph Rupp received a Cadillac.
< KANSAS STATE: Bill Snyder still has a few more atoms to split in
< Manhattan. By our calculations, the Wildcats have to go undefeated for
< the next 14 years to get back to .500.
< NORTH CAROLINA: Mack Brown's Tar Heels went 11-1 in '97, finished No.
< 4 in the coaches' poll, and he left to coach Texas. Why?
< Because Texas is a program.
< ARIZONA: Cannot even be considered by the program veteran's committee
< until the school first appears in a Jan. 1 Rose Bowl.
< OREGON: If this was a program, we wouldn't be concerned about Notre
< Dame (program) air-lifting Coach Mike Bellotti out of Eugene.
< CALIFORNIA: For goodness sakes, the guy ran the wrong way in the 1929
< Rose Bowl and handed Georgia Tech (program) a national title!
< PURDUE: Conclusive factoid: From 1887 to 1978, Boilermakers went to
< one bowl: the '67 Rose.
< WEST VIRGINIA: Had Bobby Bowden. Hung him in effigy. Bowden left to
< coach one-time girls' school in Tallahassee. Wonder what became of
< him?
< IOWA: So, Nile Kinnick won a Heisman Trophy and Hayden Fry had a few
< good years. Anything else?
< SOUTH CAROLINA: Two words: "Chicken Curse."
< OKLAHOMA STATE: Jimmy Johnson, Barry Sanders and a lot of dust.
< OTHER TEXAS SCHOOLS: Texas Tech, Baylor, Houston. Listen up: Playing
< football in Texas does not automatically qualify you for program
< statehood.
< MISSOURI: If this was a program, Tigers would be in the Big Ten by
< now.
<
< Used to Be / Dormant
< GRAMBLING: Turned in program badge and gun the day Eddie Robinson
< retired with his 408 victories.
< PITTSBURGH: Lost our vote when school decided it didn't want to be
< known anymore as "Pitt." Panthers went 55-5-4 from 1913-20, won a
< national title in 1977 and produced Mike Ditka, Tony Dorsett and Dan
< Marino.
< MINNESOTA: One-time dynasty under Bernie Bierman in the 1930s and
< national title winner in 1960, but programs don't play football under
< ceiling lights.
< MARYLAND: Bear Bryant coached one year in 1945, Jim Tatum led Terps to
< a national title in 1953, but it mostly has been Boomer or bust.
< DUKE: Blue Devils played the 1938 regular season without giving up a
< point; have given up lots of points since.
< TEXAS CHRISTIAN: Might go 11-0 this year and not come close to earning
< enough bowl championship series points to qualify for the national
< title game.
< MIAMI, OHIO: Once known as the cradle of coaching, it's now the other
< Miami.
< VANDERBILT: Legendary coach Dan McGugin's 1915 team scored 514 points,
< about as many points as have been scored in the Woody Widenhofer era.
< THE IVY LEAGUE: Princeton played the first game; Yale's Walter Camp
< darned near invented the rules, but the league's decision to
< de-emphasize football and focus on academics were sufficient grounds
< for program deportation.
<
< Extinct
< SOUTHERN METHODIST: It's OK to cheat one's way to program status;
< quite another to cheat one's way off the gridiron map.
< CHICAGO: Amos Alonzo Stagg coached there from 1892 to 1932, but then
< the program went into a depression.
< PACIFIC: Not even two great coaches, Stagg and Bob Toledo, could keep
< this program from the dead lettermen's office.
< FORDHAM: Vince Lombardi cut his gapped teeth here before the budget
< wonks took a wrecking ball to the "Seven Blocks of Granite."
< ST. MARY'S: Post-World War II budget cuts left the once-mighty Gaels'
< flat brogue.
< RUTGERS: Played in the first college football game against Princeton
< but has won only eight games in four years under Terry Shea.
<
< * * *
<
<
< Most National Championships
< * 11--NOTRE DAME
< 1924, 1929, 1930, 1943, 1946, 1947, 1949, 1966, 1973, 1977, 1988
< * 9--ALABAMA
< 1925, 1926, 1961, 1964, 1965, 1973, 1978, 1979, 1992
< * 8--USC
< 1928, 1931, 1932, 1962, 1967, 1972, 1974, 1978
< * 6--MICHIGAN
< 1901, 1902, 1932, 1933, 1948, 1997
< * 6--OKLAHOMA
< 1950, 1955, 1956, 1974, 1975, 1985
< * 6--OHIO STATE
< 1942, 1954, 1957, 1961, 1968, 1970
< * 6--HARVARD
< 1908, 1910, 1912, 1913, 1914, 1919
<

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