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<<< < Subject: You might be a........ <<< < <<< < Some new, some old <<< < <<< < You might be a Redneck if... <<< < You've ever cut your grass and found a car. <<< < <<< < You own a home that's mobile and 5 cars that <<< aren't. <<< < <<< < You think the stock market has a fence around it. <<< < <<< < Your stereo speakers used to belong to the <<< Moonlight Drive-in Theater. <<< < <<< < Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years. <<< < <<< < You own a homemade fur coat. <<< < <<< < Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 <<< hygiene concerns. <<< < <<< < You burn your yard rather than mow it. <<< < <<< < Your wife has ever said, "Come move this <<< transmission so I can take a bath." <<< < <<< < You refer to the time you won a free case of motor <<< oil as "the day my ship <<< < came in." <<< < <<< < You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. <<< < <<< < The Salvation Army declines your mattress. <<< < <<< < You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. <<< < <<< < Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for <<< a call from the Governor <<< < to spare a loved one. <<< < <<< < Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the <<< bingo hall because of her <<< < language. <<< < <<< < Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you <<< answer, "She's at home with <<< < the kids." <<< < <<< < Birds are attracted to your beard. <<< < <<< < Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange <<< vest. <<< < <<< < You were shooting pool when any of your kids were <<< born. <<< < <<< < You have the local taxidermist's number on speed <<< dial. <<< < <<< < You've ever hit a deer with your <<< car...deliberately. <<< < <<< < Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". <<< < <<< < You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. <<< < <<< < You've ever given rat traps as gifts. <<< < <<< < You clean your fingernails with a stick. <<< < <<< < Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. <<< < <<< < You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. <<< < <<< < You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your <<< front door to make it look <<< < nice. <<< < <<< < Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. <<< < <<< < Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. <<< < <<< < Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. <<< < <<< < You've totaled every car you've ever owned. <<< < <<< < There are more than five McDonald's bags currently <<< in the floorboard of your <<< < car. <<< < <<< < The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. <<< < <<< < There has ever been crime-scene tape on your <<< bathroom door. <<< < <<< < You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for <<< heckling the monkeys. <<< < <<< < The taillight covers of your car are made of red <<< tape. <<< < <<< < You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. <<< < <<< < You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. <<< < <<< < You think "taking out the trash" means taking your <<< in-laws to a movie. <<< < <<< < You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. <<< < <<< < You've ever been involved in a custody fight over <<< a hunting dog. <<< < <<< < Your considered an expert on worm beds. <<< < <<< < Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." <<< < <<< < The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when <<< visiting your house. <<< < <<< < You've ever bought a used cap. <<< < <<< < Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. <<< < <<< < You pick your teeth from a catalog. <<< < <<< < You've ever financed a tattoo. <<< < <<< < You've ever stolen toilet paper. <<< < <<< < You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. <<< < <<< < People hear your car a long time before they see <<< it. <<< < <<< < The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare <<< foot. <<< < <<< < You prefer car keys to Q-tips. <<< < <<< < You take a fishing pole into Sea World. <<< < <<< < You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for <<< soup. <<< < <<< < You've ever stood in line to have your picture <<< taken with a freak of nature. <<< < <<< < You think the French Riviera is foreign car. <<< < <<< < You go to a stock car race and don't need a <<< program. <<< < <<< < You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf <<< course. <<< < <<< < Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. <<< < <<< < MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you <<< coming. <<< < <<< < You own more than three shirts with the sleeves <<< cut off. <<< < <<< < You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name <<< on an overpass. <<< < <<< < Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her <<< mouth before telling the <<< < state trooper to kiss her ass. <<< < <<< < Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. <<< < <<< < You own a denim leisure suit. <<< < <<< < You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. <<< < <<< < Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living <<< room floor and nobody notices. <<< < <<< < You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a <<< bigot. <<< < <<< < Your family tree does not fork. <<< < <<< < You see no need to stop at rest stops because you <<< have an empty milk jug in <<< < the car. <<< < <<< < You have a rag for a gas cap. <<< < <<< < You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. <<< < <<< < You show your boyfriend you really love him by <<< carving his name on your arm. <<< < <<< < You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around <<< because of bridge clearance <<< < restrictions. <<< < <<< < You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out <<< of a message that <<< < begins,"For a good time call...." <<< < <<< < You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic. <<< < <<< < You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while <<< you're at work. <<< < <<< < After the Prom you drove the truck while your date <<< hit road signs with beer <<< < bottles. <<< < <<< < Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick <<< during Christmas dinner. <<< < <<< < All of your four letter words are two syllables. <<< < <<< < You've ever been too drunk to fish. <<< < <<< < You cut your toenails in front of company. <<< < <<< < You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance <<< to meet women. <<< < <<< < Your wife has a beer belly and you find it <<< attractive. <<< < <<< < Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you. <<< < <<< < You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic <<< thoughts. <<< < <<< < Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck <<< does. <<< < <<< < You wonder how service stations keep their <<< restrooms so clean. <<< < <<< < You can spit without opening your mouth. <<< < <<< < You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. <<< < <<< < You call your boss "dude". <<< < <<< < You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. <<< < <<< < You have grease under your toenails. <<< < <<< < You consider your license plate personalized <<< because your father made <<< < it. <<< < <<< < Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. <<< < <<< < You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. <<< < <<< < You've ever been fired from a construction job <<< because of your appearance. <<< < <<< < You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. <<< < <<< < You've ever cleaned fish in your living room. <<< < <<< < You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. <<< < <<< < You actually know which kind of leaves make the <<< best substitute for toilet <<< < paper. <<< < <<< < You've been on T.V. more than five times <<< describing what the tornado sounded <<< < like. <<< < <<< < Your dad walks you to school because he's in the <<< same grade. <<< < <<< < People come to your door every day mistakenly <<< thinking that you're having a <<< < yard sale. <<< < <<< < You've ever made change in the offering plate. <<< < <<< < Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night <<< involves shoes and a <<< < flashlight. <<< < <<< < You've ever made love in a satellite dish. <<< < <<< < You've ever lugged a gallon of paint to the top of <<< a water tower to defend <<< < your sister's honor. <<< < <<< < The primary color of your car is "bondo". <<< < <<< < You honestly think that women are turned on by <<< animal noises and seductive <<< < tongue gestures. <<< < <<< < The neighbors started a petition over your <<< Christmas lights. <<< < <<< < You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since <<< "Smokey and the Bandit"was <<< < snubbed for best picture. <<< < <<< < If your biggest decision when going on vacation is <<< to use paper or plastic. <<< < <<< < You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the <<< greatest invention of all time. <<< < <<< < You had to remove a toothpick for wedding <<< pictures. <<< < <<< < You've ever used a Weed-eater indoors. <<< < <<< < Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. <<< < <<< < Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care. <<< < <<< < Your kids are going hungry tonight because you <<< just had to have those <<< < Yosemite Sam mud-flaps. <<< < <<< < You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer <<< bottle. <<< < <<< < You need an estimate from your barber before you <<< get a haircut. <<< < <<< < You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance <<< in your front yard. <<< < <<< < You can change the oil in your truck without <<< ducking your head. <<< < <<< < You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end". <<< < <<< < You just bought an 8-track player to put in your <<< car. <<< < <<< < When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds <<< you to pull up your jeans. <<< < <<< < You take your dog for a walk and you both use the <<< same tree. <<< < <<< < You stare at a can of orange juice just because it <<< says, "CONCENTRATE". <<< < <<< < You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun <<< hoping to fill your deer <<< < quota for the year. <<< < <<< < Your mother has ever gotten into a fight at a <<< football game. <<< < <<< < You think that a Buglite and a six-pack make an <<< evening of quality <<< < entertainment. <<< < <<< < You think that your sister is not your sister <<< anymore just because you <<< < get a divorce. <<< < <<< < Your richest relative buys a new house and calls <<< you up to help him take the <<< < wheels off. <<< < <<< < Your cowboy hat is bigger than your shoes. <<< < <<< < Somebody yells "Hoe-down!" and your girlfriend <<< hits the floor. <<< < <<< < You snort a dog chain from your mouth to your nose <<< because you think it is <<< < cool. <<< < <<< <<< < < < <
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