Re: Rules for Cats

That was pretty good!

Becky Spencer
02/06/2001 08:01 AM

To: Tana Jones/HOU/ECT@ECT, Marie Heard/Enron Communications@Enron
Communications, Susan Skarness/Enron@EnronXGate, Sandra R
McNichols/HOU/ECT@ECT
cc:
Subject: Rules for Cats

<Rules for Cats to Live By
<
<BATHROOMS:
<Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
<necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
<
<
<DOORS:
<Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door
<open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
<Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
<After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
<halfway in and out and think about several things.
<This is particularly important during very cold
<weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
<
<
<CHAIRS AND RUGS:
<If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
<you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If
<there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing
<up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as
<long as a humans bare foot.
<
<HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some
<activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy
<one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as
<"hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
<
<1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
<heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby
<stand a better chance of being stepped on and then
<picked up and comforted.
<
<2) For book readers, get in close under the chin,
<between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the
<book itself.
<
<3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most
<appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the
<work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often
<reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
<
<4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes
<or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper!
<First, sit on the paper being worked on. When
<dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
<When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
<papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
<After being removed for the second time, push pens,
<pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
<
<5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
<him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
<Humans love to jump.
<
<6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk,
<walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen
<and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering
<typing in progress.
<
<WALKING:
<As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
<possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs,
<when they have something in their arms, in the dark,
<and when they first get up in the morning. This will
<help their coordination skills.
<
<BEDTIME:
<Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot
<move around.
<
<LITTER BOX:
<When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much
<litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the
<feel of kitty litter between their toes.
<
<HIDING:
<Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans
<cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four
<hours under any circumstances. This will cause the
<humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you
<have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
<humans will cover you with love and kisses and you
<will probably get a treat.
<
<ONE LAST THOUGHT:
<Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
<their face, turn around, and present your butt to
<them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't
<forget guests.