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---------------------- Forwarded by Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT on 02/24/2000
05:20 PM --------------------------- Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com< on 02/18/2000 04:33:02 PM To: Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT@ECT cc: Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 29.0 Dilbert Newsletter 29.0 ------------------------ To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com) Date: February 2000 Highlights: ------------------------------------------------ - Stop the Vote Campaign - Dilbert TV Show Update - True Tales of Induhviduals - Dogbert Answers My Mail - Dilberitos ------------------------------------------------ Stop the Vote Campaign ---------------------- It's a presidential election year in the United States, and that means it's time for me to "get involved." This year I'm organizing a "Stop The Vote" campaign aimed at preventing Induhviduals from casting ballots. I'll borrow a strategy used by all politicians: hallucinations of what the Founding Fathers intended. As you know, people were very wise in the 1700s. Unfortunately, something happened that made us all idiots. I blame television. That's why we prefer to make our important decisions on personal freedom based on the wisdom of dead, slave-owning dandies instead of using our own defective brains. We have no recordings of the Constitutional debates, but I'm sure it went something like this: ---- Re-creation ---- Jefferson: We haven't put anything in the Bill of Rights about genetic manipulation, Internet encryption, in vitro fertilization, or mandatory drug testing. Adams: Just say "et cetera." No one is going to read it anyway. Hancock: Let's include something to encourage public nudity. Cable TV won't be invented for years and I can't wait that long. Jefferson: Okay. I'll call that the right to bare arms. Franklin: That might be misinterpreted. Jefferson: Who's the world-class writer here? I keep your stupid Almanac next to my chamber pot, and I don't mean for the reading. Franklin: I am soooo sorry for making a suggestion. By the way, your house slave "Jeff" has your eyes. All: HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Adams: You're all a bunch of asses. I think you're giving me an embolism. Jefferson: You have the right to ass-embolisms. Hey, maybe I should include that. How do you spell it? Dilbert TV Show Update ---------------------- According to my e-mail, many Dilbert TV fans tape the show so they have permanent copies in their tape libraries. While Dilbert is being taped, they watch other shows that are not tape-worthy. Unfortunately, only live viewing of TV shows counts for ratings. This isn't a problem for some TV shows, like "Wheel of Fortune," because their viewers use VCRs to crack nuts. But the mathematical sets of "people who can program VCRs" and "people most likely to watch 'Dilbert'" are almost the same. This has been a problem. The episode airing February 22nd (9:30 PM EST) in the USA will probably determine whether the Dilbert show gets renewed. That's the episode featuring Jerry Seinfeld as the voice of Comp-U-Comp, an evil computer who has taken over a company and fired everyone except the guy who guards the electrical plug. Eugene Levy plays the plug guard. Jerry's lines are mostly written by Larry Charles, one of the original writers for Seinfeld, now Executive Producer for Dilbert. So if you liked Seinfeld, this is the closest thing you're going to get. And if you know any Induhviduals who are in Nielsen families this month, please tell them that there's some sort of "millionaire prize" for watching "Dilbert" and answering questions posed by the voices in their own heads. Dilbert Episode Airs On the Internet ------------------------------------ As part of our overall pimping for the Seinfeld voice episode, we're putting an entire show (The Merger episode) on the Internet in streaming video, starting February 17th and running through February 29th. You can find links to it at www.dilbertondemand.com. You need the Windows Media Player, which you can download from the site. As far as we know, this is the first television cartoon show streamed over the Internet in its entirety. We made sure we didn't research that fact too thoroughly so we could honestly say, "as far as we know." You'll need a reasonably fast connection, but you can view the entire show, in bite-sized chunks, at your leisure. Don't settle for mere bragging about your DSL or cable modem connection; DEMONSTRATE your digital superiority! Invite a neighbor who has a pitiful 28.8 modem over to drool on you. If you wear a raincoat, it's a strangely satisfying experience and you can hose it off later. If you know anyone recently involved in a merger, the Dilbert episode on the Internet (The Merger) is the one they'll want to see. Find out what's in store for companies who seek "synergy." True Tales of Induhviduals -------------------------- I begin the True Tales section with a personal sighting. I recently came upon a local road that was closed for improvements. Signs warned "Road Closed" and "Bridge Out." As I turned around to head for the detour, another motorist waved me down. We rolled down our windows and he shouted, "Do you think we should just move the barricades and go for it?" I don't know how fast one must drive in order to compensate for a "Bridge Out" situation, but I decided not to try it. True Tale 2 ----------- Some of our corporate policies have been rewritten. Here's an example from our expense reporting procedures. "Receipts are required for all expenditures of $25 or more and, in addition to this, receipts for a lesser amount are also required." Editor's note: It sounds as if some of the people in the HR are idiots and, in addition to this, the rest of them are too. True Tale 3 ----------- We received a letter from the Environmental Protection Agency stating that unless we provided answers to their outstanding questions within two weeks they would recommend that our power plant construction project not proceed. Apparently they failed to notice that, a) we already answered the questions, b) their approval had already been issued and, c) the $600 million power plant had been built nearly two years ago. Editor's note: If those are the sort of questions the EPA calls "outstanding" I'd hate to hear their dumb ones. True Tale 4 ----------- We had a Christmas raffle in the "Business Intelligence" department. The boss drew a number and called it out. The department statistician stood up to tumultuous applause and went up to collect his prize. Meanwhile, another employee -- who turned out to be the real winner -- stood up to collect that same prize. Upon investigation, the statistician for Business Intelligence had confused ticket 593 for 539. Editor's note: On the surface it looks as if the statistician is a boob. But he's the only one in the room who realized that 39% of the time the real winner isn't present to win. I suspect he's a DNRC member just playing the odds. True Tale 5 ----------- When a project is finished in my department we place a red dot sticker on the folder to signify its completion. One day we ran out of red dots but still had a large supply of green and blue dots. Dots weren't used for any other purpose so I suggested using the ones we have, despite their non-red color. Color was insignificant. There were only five of us in the group, so communicating the change would be easy. My money-saving suggestion was met with resistance from cow-orkers. They pointed out that we've "always used RED dots" and maybe I should check with the department manager. I mentioned my idea to the manager and he said I should "bring it up at the next staff meeting." Editor's note: Ironically, it's not a dot.com company. True Tale 6 ----------- I paid for lunch with a credit card. The manager put it through the electronic card machine and got a "no dial tone" error. She tried again with the same result. Then she asked me if I had another card. Editor's note: That's exactly why you should pay for your lunch using a phone company calling card. They have dial tone. True Tale 7 ----------- We tested our Y2K power contingency plans a few weeks before New Year's. The Induhviduals in IT didn't expect any downtime, so the test was performed during the normal work day. The idea was that when power was cut, the six generators would kick on and we wouldn't notice a thing. Three generators failed to start. Two threw their breakers due to the high load on them. The last was overwhelmed when the previous two cut out and threw a tremendous surge through the lines, blowing up hundreds of light bulbs, frying fax machines, radios and pencil sharpeners along the way. The surge jumped circuits in our industrial level surge protector and traveled through our "surge protected" lines to every desktop in the company plus the server room. After taking out over a hundred monitors and almost forty PCs, the surge proceeded to destroy our server room air conditioner, four huge UPS systems, thirteen servers and both AS/400s. Several small fires started throughout the building, including our now half-melted Christmas tree and our molten-menorah. The surge then jumped the lines into the main power grid, blowing up two transformers, one of which fell on the IT manager's car (poetic justice) and cutting power on the entire block. The remaining generator then proceeded to burst into flames, eventually blowing up all six generators and burning up seven cars. This all occurred within about thirty seconds and sent 38 people to the hospital, cost the company over $650,000 in equipment (not to mention the impending lawsuits), destroyed eight cars and caused weeks of downtime. Three people quit the company. One woman is still in the hospital with electrical burns. The resulting publicity got us on television in five states. Editor's note: That story sounds too amazing to be true but I'm printing it anyway under the theory that there's no such thing as bad publicity. True Tale 8 ----------- Our university library just got new computers. The library thoughtfully provided headphones so students can listen to sound files without disturbing anyone nearby. The problem is the headphone cords have been clamped to the desk in such a way that in order to use them, you must have your head no more than six inches from your keyboard. It is great fun to see the stu-duh-nts trying to use them. True Tale 9 ----------- I went to a Georgia DMV office to obtain a driver's license. Customers are required to produce two pieces of ID. I presented a utility bill and a copy of my latest tax return, both acceptable types of ID according to their published list. The agent behind the counter said she could not accept my tax return as ID because it was typed. She said, "How do we know this is legitimate? Anyone can get a computer or typewriter to produce this return." I argued, unsuccessfully, that it was also easy to obtain pens and pencils to create hand-written returns. I was told to come back with a hand-written return or another acceptable form of ID. True Tale 10 ------------ I went to a fast-food restaurant one morning for breakfast. The moment I opened the door, I was almost swept off my feet by an overpowering odor of gas. I struggled up to the counter out of a vague sense of duty, and said "You've got an enormous gas leak back there somewhere!" gesturing towards the kitchen. The girl behind the counter shrugged and said, "Yeah, I know, but I've been here since seven o'clock and I've gotten used to it." True Tale 11 ------------ I went to ask our new principal if we could have the Monday before finals off as a study day. We had always gotten a study day in the past but it wasn't on the schedule this time. He thought for a second and then responded, "No, you have school that day." True Tale 12 ------------ About a year ago I went to buy a video for a friend's birthday. The video was rated for adult viewing only. I was 15 years old, but they sold it to me anyway. When I got home I found out that my friend wanted the sequel, not the original, so I took it back to the store. The video clerk said he couldn't return the video because I didn't look 18. I was confused, so I attempted to clarify. "So, because I don't look 18 you're going to MAKE me take this ADULT-rated video, rather then let me change it for the sequel that is NOT ADULT-rated?" "Yeah, it's company policy. If it changes we'll be in touch." Eventually I convinced him he was breaking the law by selling me the adult video instead of letting me exchange it for the non-adult one. As I left, the guy behind the counter yelled at me, "Next time, don't watch the video first!" It was still in its shrink-wrap. Dogbert Answers My Mail ----------------------- In this section, Dogbert answers my mail. These are based on real e-mail to me. Some names have been changed to make them easier to mock. Dear Mr. Adams, You were duped in your last newsletter. Someone submitted a supposedly True Tale of Induhviduals about a little boy and a pager. That is actually an urban legend more than twenty years old. Shame on you for falling for that. Jim, Dear Chimp, Just because it's an urban legend doesn't mean it didn't happen. In fact, just this morning Mr. Adams woke up in a bathtub full of ice and found a note saying one of his kidneys was missing. It wasn't stolen; he got talked into donating it to a celebrity auction for the National Ear Hair Foundation. I'm working with him on learning to say no. Sincerely, Dogbert ---- (Note: In this next letter, some expletives have been replaced by asterisks) Dear Mr. Adams, Your stupid ******* comic strip is a piece of ****. Give up cartooning and **** my ****, you ******* ****-******. (Anonymous) Dear Esophagus, There is no call for such language. If you do it again, it will be your "*." Sincerely, Dogbert --- Dear Mr. Adams, No offense, but no one will cry when you die because Dilbert is just some goofy guy. Some of the biussness (sic) stuff is HARD to understand and it isn't something that you can feel like you know. Dogbert is so egotistical whereas Snoopy is so easy to know, and Charlie Brown is not some GOOFY guy, if you know what I mean. Marshall Dear Marsupial, No offense taken. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to "buissness." Sincerely, Dogbert --- Dear Mr. Adams, What is that round black thing on Dogbert's face? My friend says it's his mouth but I say it's his nose. Floyd Dear Flawed, I get this question often, thanks to Mr. Adams' prodigious artistic range. Allow me to clarify some of the shapes in the Dilbert strip. In general, the black circles are dog noses. The black ovals are mouths. Rectangles are desks or sometimes computers. When the ovals are turned the other way and are not filled with black they are glasses. Everything else is random. I have already requested a transfer to "For Better or For Worse." The dog mortality rate there is high, but I'm willing to take the chance. Sincerely, Dogbert Dilberitos ---------- If you're wondering where to find those delicious and coincidentally-vegetarian Dilberitos that have 100% of your daily values of vitamins and minerals, they're in grocery stores now, in the frozen food section. Check www.dilberito.com for store details. I can't guarantee that eating Dilberitos will help you live long enough to dance on the graves of all your enemies (an excellent aerobic exercise), but it's worth a try. Dilbert Fodder --------------- What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic, TV show or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses. And I love True Tales of Induhviduals. And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better. Cubicle Art ----------- The Dilbert Zone is now accepting submissions of cubicle art: art made from things you have around the office, or decorated cubes, or "theme" cubes. Toward the end of March, the best ones will be posted in the DNRC area at www.dilbert.com. Submissions will only be accepted by e-mail, and must be in gif or jpg format, 50K or less. E-mail cubicle art submissions to cubeart@unitedmedia.com. All submissions will be governed by the terms of use posted at www.dilbert.com. Exclusive DNRC-only Offer - while supplies last! ------------------------------------------------ Now through February 27th, take advantage of these special offers: Spend $10.00 in The Dilbert Store and receive a free Dogbert Tech Support Mug and a free 25-minute phone card. Spend $35.00 in The Dilbert Store and receive a free Boss Pen Holder with Dilbert Pen, a free Tech Support Mug and a free 25-minute phone card. These DNRC offers will not be announced in the Dilbert Store. To get them, you need to follow this DNRC-only link: http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/dnrcspecial.htx This year's Dilbert calendars are back in stock. Buy yours now before they're gone for good! In addition to the DNRC-only offers, enjoy great discounts on the following products: Dogbert "You're Next on My List of Things to Ignore" Cap - $7.99 http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/inventory.htx?item=2601-11005 Ignore Y2K Bug T-shirt - $9.99 http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/inventory.htx?item=2601-10019 Character Picture Frame - $8.99 http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/inventory.htx?item=2601-12014 Young Dilbert CD-ROM - $14.99 http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/inventory.htx?item=2601-14001 (Offers are limited to one DNRC bonus per order, but regular Dilbert Store freebies will be added if the order amount qualifies for them.) How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter ------------------------------------------ You can sign up for the free Dilbert Newsletter automatically. Send a blank e-mail to dilbert-text-on@list.unitedmedia.com. Unsubscribing ------------- To unsubscribe automatically, send a blank e-mail to dilbert-off@list.unitedmedia.com. Problems Signing up for the Newsletter --------------------------------------- If the automatic method doesn't work for you, simply send a message to newsletter@unitedmedia.com specifying your e-mail(or snail mail) address and you will be added manually. This method is much slower than the automatic method so please be patient. Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com Please do not reply to dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com
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