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---------------------- Forwarded by Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT on 05/12/2000
08:15 AM --------------------------- Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com< on 05/11/2000 07:47:45 PM To: Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT@ECT cc: Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 30.0 Dilbert Newsletter 30.0 ------------------------ To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com) Date: May 2000 Highlights: ------------------------------------------------ - Elian Invasion - TV Show Update - True Tales of Induhviduals - Streaming Video of a Mystery in My Office - Dogbert Answers My Mail ------------------------------------------------ Elian Invasion -------------- Many of you in the U.S. have been following the fate of the little Cuban boy Elian, who came to the United States via a dolphin-powered inner tube. Some people believe Elian is some sort of Holy Child because the dolphins helped him, and because he's small, leading people to assume he is a child. I was a believer in the Holy Child theory until the INS swarmed Elian's relatives' home and took him against his will. "Where were the dolphins then?" I ask. Maybe they were lazy dolphins. Whatever their excuse, I'm disappointed that we didn't get to see the INS and the dolphins fight it out, hand-to-flipper. That would have been good TV. Dolphins have a great defensive move where they suddenly turn around so your fist gets stuck in the blowhole. Then they beat you senseless with their powerful tails. I think we'd all like to see that. On the plus side, by my reckoning, Elian's dilemma has saved the lives of at least two celebrities, maybe more. As you know, during slow news periods the major networks kill celebrities and make it look accidental. Personally, I won't board an airplane unless the newspaper is packed with good stories. I prefer the media's latest news-creating technique, wherein they blame NASA for launching rockets into space and losing them. In reality, NASA hasn't done much of anything since 1969, when they sent three guys in helium-filled space suits to New Mexico with a black and white camcorder. I still remember where I was when I saw it on TV. I was on Earth. Dilbert TV Fate ---------------- I'm not exaggerating when I say that literally dozens of people noticed when Dilbert disappeared from UPN's lineup on American TV. Officially, UPN told me the show was put on "hiatus." Or maybe they said they "hate us." It sounds the same on the telephone when you're sobbing. Apparently someone noticed there were four new episodes that had never aired. So, starting on Tuesday, May 30th at 8:30 p.m. Eastern (7:30 Central), the first of the new Dilbert shows airs. In a master stroke of UPN programming brilliance, Dilbert follows Shasta McNasty, a show geared toward viewers who are...how can I say this...very likely to die in bowling ball cleaning machine accidents. Fortunately, Shasta is a filthy and sophomoric show, so it will corner the market on perverts and unsupervised minors. It's a perfect lead-in audience for an animated Dilbert TV show. If you don't understand that, you will never be a television executive. The other networks are running nothing but commercials during that time period. You don't need to check. Trust me on this. March 21st Explained -------------------- Many readers were confused by the March 21st strip featuring Dilbert's future self visiting his past self from across time. Dilbert asks the future Dilbert how his head got wrinkled. Future Dilbert points to a device on his chest with a hole in the center and says, "Stick a finger in this hole." That's the whole joke. This is an example of a cartoon that appeals to no one but me, or so I discovered from my e-mail. I like the idea that a future Dilbert would invent a device that has no other purpose than to make your head deformed. It's one of those inventions that seem like a good idea until you try it. But the funny part (okay, just to me) is that he would advise his past self to stick a finger in it, thus making the same mistake twice. In retrospect, it was just a bad cartoon. There wasn't enough information. But it made me laugh. If you think the cartons are made for your benefit, maybe you shouldn't be so selfish. Why Do Some People Get Paid? ---------------------------- A reader sent me this story: "Our coffee room has a bulletin board. One day a woman with a ruler and a clipboard came in and measured the distance between the postings on the board with the ruler. She took great care to measure the height and width between each piece of paper, and between the pieces of paper and the edges of the board. Then, without a word, she checked off something on the clipboard and went away. "I was in a daze for the next fifteen minutes. I couldn't concentrate during the following meeting. I wondered, does this woman actually get paid for this? Does she find fulfillment in her work? Who came up with the idea for this job? Are THEY just playing with our minds, whoever THEY are? "Needless to say I went back to the coffee room after the meeting and moved all the postings around." [Editor's note: To me, the funny part is that the author of this story got paid for sitting in a daze during a meeting and later rearranging the scraps of paper on a bulletin board.] The DNRC at Work For You ------------------------- A DNRC member reports on another benefit of membership. "It turns out that my English tutor at Cornell is in the DNRC. I told her that I was in the organization too. That was a month ago and since then I have been getting constant 'check plusses' for my essays, regardless of my effort. "Thanks a million!!" If you're not already showing preferential treatment to DNRC members, it's time to start. Remember, only the DNRC has the good sense to haze people who have no prospect of becoming members. Getting Free Stuff the DNRC Way ------------------------------- If you're annoying enough, you can get free services almost anywhere, as this DNRC member reports. "My roommate and I put coins in a jar every time we used the phone. When it was time to pay the bill, we went to the bank to get the coins counted. The teller said there was a fee for counting money because we didn't have an account at that bank. The conversation went like this: 'How much would it cost if we had an account?' 'Then it would be free.' 'How much does it cost to open an account?' 'Nothing, it's free.' 'How much does it cost to close an account?' 'Um...That's also free.' 'Then we'd like to open an account, count this money, then close the account. That's all free, isn't it?' "She spent a few seconds thinking about this, and then she let us use the money-counting machine, for free." Spooky Happenings In My Office ------------------------------ Recently I noticed that beverages were disappearing from my office. I installed a hidden surveillance camera to identify the culprit. Check out this streaming video link at myvideoshare.com to see what was happening. http://www.myvideoshare.com/vm.asp?c=4504&;e=10ohm9GBdCOTk&r=y You'll need a Windows machine, a reasonably fast Internet connection and Windows Media Player 6.4. Follow the links at myvideoshare.com for the free download if you don't have it. If you're behind a corporate firewall, hit the "No Video?" button for instructions on circumvention. Macintosh zealots should feel free to flame me as usual. Dilbert.com ----------- We've revamped the "List Of The Day" area on Dilbert.com. It's the most popular part of the site after the comics. Some of you DNRC members are impressively funny. Others just have laughably pitiful jobs that translate into amusing list items. Either way, it's equally funny to me. We've added a True Tales of Induhviduals page, at http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/induhvidual.html. Submit your stories and read those submitted by others. Feed your sense of intellectual superiority by reading how dumb other people are. It's a guilty pleasure, but pleasure nonetheless. Another addition to the DNRC section is the cubicle art page, which features art created by people who were pretending to work. Each week the best submissions are posted at http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/cubical.html. DNRC members-only link icons are now available at http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/membersonly.html. This link is available only in the newsletter. If you're looking for the best new comic strip featuring talking pets, check out "Get Fuzzy" by Darby Conley. If your paper doesn't have it yet, use the navigation bar in the top left corner of Dilbert.com. Exclusive DNRC-only Offer - While Supplies Last! -------------------------------------------------------------- Now through May 21st, receive a free Dogbert Swirl Polo with any purchase from the Dilbert Store. The polo is available in White, Black and Green while supplies last. This DNRC offer will not be announced in the Dilbert Store. To get it, you need to follow this DNRC-only link: http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/dnrcspecial.htx Unadvertised store specials will periodically be listed on the DNRC home page, at http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/index.html True Tales of Induhviduals --------------------------- And now, for your reading pleasure, more True Tales Of Induhviduals -- those clueless-but-entertaining blobs of organic matter that clog our highways and keep our taxes high. True Tale ------------ My company has instituted Company Values. Arranged appropriately, the values are Fun, Agility, Teamwork, Learning, Integrity and Empowerment. The acronym speaks for itself: FAT LIE True Tale ------------ My school subscribes to a system that is supposed to help us find jobs when we graduate. It works by asking us what subjects we are studying, what sort of job we want, etc. When I input my classes and interests it came up with only two career suggestions. Careers in IT Careers in LAW Neither choice appealed to me. I tweaked my entries to see if other options would appear. It wasn't until I deleted 'English Skills' from my list of subjects studied that it added a third career option. Careers in MANAGEMENT True Tale ------------ I was standing in line at the grocery store when a loud voice came over the intercom saying, 'Okay, shoppers, it's time for our hourly drawing for a bag of free groceries.' In the front of the store someone was spinning a big wheel with the numbers 1 to 8 on it. The voice continued, "If your lane number comes up, and you are at the front of the line, you win." I noticed that a checker was opening the register next to me. Just at that moment, the number of that newly opened lane came up on the wheel. The other customers were too busy cursing their bad luck to realize that the winning register was empty. I casually moved over to that line. With great fanfare, I was awarded the prize -- a bag of free groceries. It was filled with bizarre items I would never eat, including cinnamon rice cakes, canned collard greens, Wonder Bread and the like. So I gave the free bag of groceries to a woman who seemed terribly upset at not winning it herself. She exploded with joy like she had just won the lottery. Induhviduals are so easy to please. True Tale ------------ At Denver International Airport, there are emergency exits, the type with alarms if they are opened. Printed on the doors are signs that say, "In an emergency, push and hold door for fifteen seconds until doors open." [Editor's note: There is a name for people who stand in the emergency doorway for fifteen seconds during a real emergency: "flattened."] True Tale ------------ I went to lunch with a new employee who was not familiar with the city. On the way back, he decided to stop at a bookstore. Hours later, my boss and I realized that he had not returned. Fearing the worst, we called down to our crack security guards and asked, "If you needed to take someone to the hospital, where would you take him?" The guard asked me to hold. A few minutes later he came back with the official answer: "the hospital." True Tale ------------ When I received a check from my previous company for my 401K rollover, I noticed the date on the check was 1-18-1999, even though the check was written in January, 2000. IRS regulations don't allow 401K rollovers that are more than 90 days old. I went to my former place of employment and pointed out the error to the HR Duhrector, who had originally written the check. His solution was to cross out 1999 and write 2000 above it. Then he initialed and dated the change... 1/25/99. True Tale ------------ Here are some true phrases used by my boss: "Ah, that's the flaw in the ointment." "There's the gem in the haystack." "We need to increase sales! Let's throw some more wrenches in the fire!" "I believe that like I believe a hole in the head!" True Tale ------------ My office is near Orlando, FL. An Induhvidual in my office noticed several people leaving the building. She asked me, "Where is everyone going?" I told her we were going to watch the shuttle launch. She asked, "Is it outside?" True Tale ------------ I was buying a newspaper at the convenience store. The clerk looks down at the paper and says, "Is that fifty cents or a dollar? I can never remember." I pointed to the clearly-visible price of 50 cents printed on the corner of the paper and said, "Fifty cents. Who'd pay a dollar for this paper?!?" "Oh, some people do," said the clerk. "Really? Why?" "Because that's what I charge them." True Tale ------------ My boss called me into his office. While attaching a keyboard to his computer, he asked if I would mind going to my desk and running a particular program. He needed the data right away and my computer was the only one set up for this particular function. I said that it was no problem and headed to my desk, only to find that it was MY keyboard he had taken. True Tale ------------ A bank recently sent a letter to its bankcard holders with some details about its new cards. The first line of the letter is a real whopper: "The year 2000 has come quicker than expected!" [Editor's note: Customers of that bank might want to double-check their interest calculations.] True Tale ------------ This conversation actually happened. The names have been changed to protect the stupid. Jack: "G.W. Bush is fairly attractive, especially for a man his age." Jill: "Yeah, I guess he's gotten better looking since he was president." Jack: "Eh??" Jill: "I mean, he looks much younger than he did when he was president in '92." Jack: "That's because it's HIS SON!" [Editor's note: After Dogbert takes over, Jill will be used as a knickknack on a very large shelf.] True Tale ------------ Early in my career as an electrical engineer, I worked for the Navy. One day a directive was sent to all employees informing us, "Should you get killed or injured on the job, you are required to notify your supervisor immediately." True Tale ------------ True memo from a school principal: Do you know if there is any way to adjust the volume on the fire alarm? It is shrill and extremely loud. If we could turn the volume down some it would help. Please advise, Thanks, <PHB-Principal< True Tale ------------ In the dining hall at my school, a sign reads, "At Cornell Dining, we want all your dining experiences to be successful." [Editor's note: Maybe I'm twisted, but I have many images in my head of what qualifies as "unsuccessful dining" and all of them seem funny to me.] True Tale ------------ At our company we frequently need to discard empty boxes that won't fit in trashcans. The Induhvidual who picks up the trash ignores anything outside the trashcan unless you tape a big sign on it that says "TRASH." This is very annoying but we've all gotten used to it. In a seemingly unrelated event, folks started thinking that we should have a "disaster plan" just in case a tornado wipes out the building. We were told to gather up copies of everything needed to put us back into business after a catastrophe. Hundreds of boxes full of documents were gathered together, categorized, inventoried, labeled and put near the dock for transportation to the underground caves, where they would be safe. The Induhvidual who ignores our empty trash boxes promptly threw them all out. True Tale --------- Our marketing director was nicknamed Axel. He decided to have a departmental meeting to explain his new role after the reorganization. He compared the company to a car, and the various departments as the wheels. To finish off, he asked a question. "So, what do you think keeps the wheels attached to the car?" He expected someone to shout "The axle," relating to his own role and nickname. To his annoyance, someone yelled out "The nuts." True Tale --------- As I was being terminated, the VP asked that I not be too critical of him in case he hadn't made the right choice in firing me. This was an unpleasant experience for him. He also asked for my understanding because he might have to fire more people later in the week. In the company's management training, they stress the need for empathy when letting an employee go. No doubt he missed the part where they said empathy TOWARDS OTHERS. True Tale --------- I was having dinner recently at a nice restaurant and I asked the waiter if the soup had meat in it. His reply: "Not really." True Tale --------- I'm a Democrat but I voted in the Republican primary because I can in South Carolina. While in line at the voting location I talked to two married Induhviduals. One was voting for Bush and the other for McCain. When I asked them if they weren't concerned that their votes would cancel each other out, the husband said, "Well, we wouldn't normally even vote, but we wanted to come out and cancel out all those Democrats who were going to vote Republican today." Revenge Is A Dish Best Served to Someone Else --------------------------------------------- Approximately every ten minutes some @$$hole gives out my public e-mail address instead of his or her own to an online store. People do this so they don't get deluged with junk mail. But online stores are getting smarter. They send confirmations to my address before initiating the service or mailing the product. The confirmation letters often include information identifying the culprit. Recently a Patricia White from Virginia ordered some magazines online and used my e-mail address so I would get her junk mail. I was more than happy to "correct" her name as it would appear on the shipping labels of her monthly magazines. Here was my response to the online store's confirmation request. Dear Sirs, re: Order Number: 16496863 Please change my last name to my married name, as I will be using that more commonly. Old name: Pat White Change to New name: Pat McGroin Thank you for your attention. P. McGroin Dogbert Answers My Mail ----------------------- In this section, Dogbert answers my mail. These are real e-mail messages sent to me. The names have been changed to make them easier to mock. The first letter is from someone who objected to my strip in which Dogbert gave Ratbert a bumper sticker reading WWDD (What Would Dogbert Do). It was inspired by the popular WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) bumper stickers. I thought I was mocking bumper sticker wisdom, not Christianity, but many readers felt differently. Dear Mr. Adams, I have long been a fan of Dilbert, but your strip of today was worse than witless. Your cartoon that mocks the WWJD slogan serves no purpose other than to profane. You obviously had a case of IQ catatonia when you drew it. Evidently, it spread to your editor as well when you submitted it. Keep it up and you'll be relegated to the ash heap of once-trendy nitwits who didn't know the difference between humor and inflammatory idiocy. Byron C. Alabama Dear Boron, I'm glad you are committed to your philosophy of doing what Jesus would do. I assume that includes writing insulting letters to cartoonists on company time. Apparently the bibles in Alabama have a few extra chapters. If I were you, I wouldn't take too many suggestions from the Book of Willy. Sincerely, Dogbert ---- (This message suspiciously had no greeting) You are an incredible talent, and I am always impressed by your work. Cutting to the chase, I have established a web site to help fund my college tuition. It is www.justinduke.com. If you like anything you see there, please send me a dime. If you like, tell your friends, thanks. Justin Dear Dustbin, If your web site sucks and your message to me is a poorly disguised mass mailing, please send me a dime. Sincerely, Dogbert ----- Dear Mr. Adams, We are currently trying to raise money to buy new uniforms and instruments for the Knoxville schools' music programs. We are organizing a celebrity auction, and would be greatly honored if you could donate an autographed item or some other piece of memorabilia to help make our auction a success. Sincerely, Terry F. Vice-President Knoxville Music Boosters Dear Hairy F., I can think of no charitable cause more worthwhile than increasing the supply of bad music in Knoxville. Unfortunately, Mr. Adams has already given away most of his possessions to other celebrity auctions. It's slim pickings now. But you could have his comb (rarely needed), his old toothbrush (in six months), and the holes in his socks. Sincerely, Dogbert --- Dear Reader, Hello! I'm Avinash from Bombay, India. I'm 18 years old and am presently in college. I require a currency note of any denomination from the United States of America or any Latin American country for a geography project that I'm presently working on. I would be extremely grateful if you could mail a note to my address which I've written below. If you cannot, then thanks anyway for taking the time to read my e-mail. Avinash Bombay, India. Dear Avinashwipe, This is an amazing coincidence. I too am doing a project that involves collecting currency from other countries. After you finish your project, maybe you could send the piles of money to me for my project. My project is a bit more ambitious than yours; I'm collecting all of the currency from every country. Sincerely, Dogbert Dear Mr. Adams, I am in the midst of an argument and I need a fresh perspective and I figured that you had an opinion on everything, so.... which came first, the freaking chicken or the egg? Gregory Dear Eggory, Put your finger in this hole. Sincerely, Dogbert Dilberito Update ---------------- Tip: It's illegal and immoral to slay your enemies, but if you eat nutritious food and outlive them, you can still dance on their graves. There's nothing illegal or immoral about dancing. The Dilberito, a tasty burrito packed with 100% of your daily values of 23 vitamins and minerals, is on grocery shelves and selling briskly. Check http://www.dilberito.com for names of stores. Coming soon, all four flavors of the Dilberito will be vegan (two are now). And watch for a free downloadable Dilberito game this summer. Details will be on the website. Dilbert Fodder --------------- What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic, TV show or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses. And I love True Tales of Induhviduals. And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better. How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter ------------------------------------------ You can sign up for the free Dilbert Newsletter automatically. Send a blank e-mail to dilbert-text-on@list.unitedmedia.com. Unsubscribing ------------- To unsubscribe automatically, send a blank e-mail to dilbert-off@list.unitedmedia.com. Problems Signing up for the Newsletter --------------------------------------- If the automatic method doesn't work for you, simply send a message to newsletter@unitedmedia.com specifying your e-mail(or snail mail) address and you will be added manually. This method is much slower than the automatic method so please be patient. Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com All submissions to Scott Adams and/or Dilbert.com shall become the exclusive property of United Media and Scott Adams, and they will have the right to use them free of charge, in any manner and in any medium, forever and throughout the world. Please do not reply to dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com
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