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---------------------- Forwarded by Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT on 04/03/2000
10:49 AM --------------------------- Jlpnymex@aol.com on 04/03/2000 09:28:04 AM To: Doris.A.Abernathy@ucm.com, nalexander@texasmonthly.emmis.com, blackj@wellsfargo.com, Louisb2468@aol.com, burgher@cornerstonesolutions.com, rclark@nymex.com, ckcrews@swbell.net, KCDunnagan@aol.com, rdyerlaw@houston.rr.com, sgoldfield@tmh.tmc.edu, lesley.guthrie@cpa.state.tx.us, elizabethherring@pzlqs.com, khcnb@arkansas.net, robyn_howard@aimfunds.com, Michael.Jacobs@hq.doe.gov, vkamins@enron.com, paulcraiglaird2@netscape.net, adrian.a.nunez@usa.conoco.com, daricha@ppco.com, esjerve@canspec.com, alane_smith@transcanada.com, james.stanton@et.pge.com, dzerba@teldatasolutions.com cc: Subject: Fwd: FW: Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks Have a good week! Jana Return-Path: <woodybc@bp.com< Received: from rly-zb01.mx.aol.com (rly-zb01.mail.aol.com [172.31.41.1]) by air-zb05.mail.aol.com (v70.20) with ESMTP; Fri, 31 Mar 2000 11:18:19 -0500 Received: from interlock.amoco.com (interlock.amoco.com [192.195.167.2]) by rly-zb01.mx.aol.com (v70.21) with ESMTP; Fri, 31 Mar 2000 11:17:55 -0500 Received: by interlock.amoco.com id KAA20262 (InterLock SMTP Gateway 3.0 for jlpnymex@aol.com); Fri, 31 Mar 2000 10:17:46 -0600 Received: by interlock.amoco.com (Protected-side Proxy Mail Agent-2); Fri, 31 Mar 2000 10:17:46 -0600 Received: by interlock.amoco.com (Protected-side Proxy Mail Agent-1); Fri, 31 Mar 2000 10:17:46 -0600 Message-Id: <D53215B582D2D2118F580008C7B1AB47C33B16@amhoux9.hou.am.bp.com< From: "Woody, Brett C" <woodybc@bp.com< To: "'dand@headington.com'" <dand@headington.com<, "'clwhite@duke-energy.com'" <clwhite@duke-energy.com<, "'joyg@aurora-gas.com'" <joyg@aurora-gas.com<, "'jlpnymex@aol.com'" <jlpnymex@aol.com< Subject: FW: Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks Date: Fri, 31 Mar 2000 10:16:40 -0600 X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2448.0) A little light humor. < < Subject: Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks < < < < MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS < < < < 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. < < 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting squirrels. < < 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. < < 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. < < 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is < < still considered improper to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. < < < < DINING OUT < < 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour < < slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. < < 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your < < fingers covering the label. < < < < ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME < < 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a < < taxidermist. < < 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his < < manners are. < < < < PERSONAL HYGIENE < < 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should < < be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. < < 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. < < However, if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money. < < 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they < < tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger < < foods. < < < < DATING (Outside the Family) < < 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. < < 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting < < to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two < years < < ago." < < 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will < < say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it < < is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. < < < < THEATER ETIQUETTE < < 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately < < after the movie has ended. < < 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven < < they can't hear you. < < < < WEDDINGS < < 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. < < 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. < < 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a < < cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create an unappealing < appearance. < < 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special < < occasion. < < < < DRIVING ETIQUETTE < < 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is < < loaded, and the deer is in sight. < < 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires < < always has the right of way. < < 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. < < 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite < < to ask her to bring back beer. < < 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. < < 6. Do not mend mufflers with bubble-gum if your truck back-fires < < < <
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