You knew it'd come to this....

Austin, TX (Dec. 4)--Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit
in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list
and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction
against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to
effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys
and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit filed in Federal District Court in Austin, asks a federal judge to
"hereby order
Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking
activity, and certify the original list as submitted without amendment,
alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.": There are no
standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally
arbitrary and capricious. How many more time does he need to check? This
checking, checking and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said
former Secretary James Baker

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all
boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead
because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats." Gov. Bush cited
the potential for unauthorized list tampering, blasted what he called the
"crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." "Their security is really
awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em
she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr.
Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list.
The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now." Cheney
said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony
she's asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to the latest development with
plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The
"Million Man Mush!" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and
sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but spokeself said he was
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's
losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself.
"He's just not feeling jolly."