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Enron Mail |
Indy at KC: Peyton Manning misses the team flight from Indianapolis when he discovers that the DirecTV guy he does commercials with has replaced NFL Sunday Ticket on his dish with all the porn channels. He is shocked to see teammate Edgerrin James starring in the cleverly titled Vivid TV feature "Ease It In, James". So THAT's why The Edge chose not to attend those mini- camps over the summer. Jax at Baltimore: Fans who wear the jerseys of injured Jags players are inexplicably stricken with similar injuries. Anyone wearing a #82 Jimmy Smith jersey contracts horrific intestinal bleeding, and those with #8 Mark Brunell jerseys are all blind- sided by 350-pound black men. One man wearing a #28 Fred Taylor jersey crumbles to the ground after shredding his groin, sending nacho cheese and peanuts flying into the air. One of the airborne peanuts scratches the cornea of a fan wearing an old Orlando Brown jersey, much like the penalty flag that ended that player's career in Cleveland a couple of years ago. Minnesota at Tampa Bay: Desperate for talent at RB, Vikings coach Dennis Green (a master of fathering illegitimate children) spends the week collecting baby batter from the NFL's best running backs of all time in the hopes of bioengineering a replacement for Robert Smith. SF at Chicago: Niners QB and flaming pillow biter Jeff Garcia unveils his new limp-wristed passing style, which he modeled after Lamar's javelin throw in "Revenge of the Nerds". At halftime Garcia is joined by Booger, Poindexter, Takashi, and Wermzer to perform the famous rap-rock song from the Adams College Homecoming Carnival, which begins with the brilliant lyrics "Now clap your hands everybody, and everybody clap your hands." New Orleans at St. Louis: Kurt Warner's endorsement of Campbell's Chunky Soup backfires when his pre-game meal of Hearty New England Chowder results in explosive diarrhea in the middle of a play. This unfortunate case of "faucet ass" forces Warner to leave the game with an embarrassing brown splotch on the seat of his uniform pants. The incident proves to be fortuitous, however, as Warner later inks a multi-million dollar deal to become the spokesman for Oops, I Crapped My Pants. Jets at Carolina: The Panthers unveil a new promotion with a local car dealership in which a fan gets the chance to win a new car. The fan is shown three cars and in order to win he must correctly guess which one has a Rae Carruth cardboard cut-out hidden away in the trunk. If Rae springs out of the trunk, you win! Arizona at Dallas: Last week's near disaster in which Cowboys kicker Tim Seder was nearly trampled during warm-ups by a horse forces the team to cancel its plans for the Cowboys Banditos Biker Squad, which was supposed to feature a team of Mexican outlaws on Harleys who zip around the field distributing t-shirts to kids in the stands. Oakland at Philly: Just in time for Halloween, Raiders coach Jon Gruden releases a new line of masks featuring his trademark facial expressions in response to various situations. The first round of masks to go on sale includes "Jon finds out his new puppy got run over in the driveway", "Jon learns he was actually born as a girl", "Jon catches Tyrone Wheatley and Charles Woodson double teaming his wife", and "Jon finds pubic hairs in his soup at a restaurant." Buffalo at San Diego: Buffalo management captures Osama bin Laden and insists that they will turn him over to authorities only if Doug Flutie comes back to be their QB in place of Rob Johnson. ________________________________________________________________ Sent via the EV1 webmail system at mail.ev1.net
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