FW: 1999 Darwin Awards

In case you have to work late again and need a smile or two......
---------------------- Forwarded by Mark Taylor/HOU/ECT on 05/09/2000 04:49
PM ---------------------------

"Taylor, Timothy G Mr USACHPPM" <Timothy.Taylor@APG.AMEDD.ARMY.MIL< on
05/09/2000 08:13:09 AM
To: "'Biddle, Joe'" <joe_biddle@abrealty.com<, "'Burke, George'"
<gburk@aol.com<, "'Cochrane, Scott'" <wsc99@juno.com<, "'Dawson, Tom'"
<sniggy@mindspring.com<, "'Donnelly, Colleen'" <donnelly@usgs.gov<, "'Ludwig,
Dad'" <ludwiggh@visuallink.com<, "'Payton, David'" <depayton@aol.com<,
"'Sharon at work'" <sludwig@comdt.uscg.mil<, Mark Taylor/HOU/ECT@ECT
cc:
Subject: FW: 1999 Darwin Awards

< -----Original Message-----
< From: Pitrat, Charles A (Tony) Mr USACHPPM
< Sent: Friday, April 21, 2000 12:27 PM
< To: CHPPM-EHRARCP (TS-EHR); CHPPM-DESP (TS-EES)
< Subject: FW: 1999 Darwin Awards
<
< In order to keep this on a professional level please make
< sure you note the runners up.
<
< Tony
<
< Yep it's that time of year again!!!!!
<
<
< <Subject: Darwin Awards
<
<
< <One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the announcement of
< <the Annual Darwin Award: The prestigious recognition of those people
< <who, by their own incredible, conscious actions remove their apparently
< <faulty DNA/chromosomes from the gene pool-making a safer place for all
< <of mankind to someday swim. This is a global phenomenon and the 1999
< <nominations reflect the universal appeal and acclaim that this most
< <prestigious award has grown to enjoy. So, without further ado, here are
< <the runners-up for this year's award.
<
<
< <(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old man died of injuries sustained
< <from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than
< <his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself toward a metal guardrail while
< <expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic
< <miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which
< <he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him
< <plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The Military specialist had a
< <blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the
< <way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
<
<
< <(11 August 1999 Germany) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the
< <eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving
< <behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he
< <concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated
< <and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar
< <viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the
< <sun.
<
<
<
< <(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
< <fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to
< <the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river.
< <The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of
< <the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove
< <the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an
< <ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate
< <the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
<
<
< <(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his
< own
< <dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in
< <the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his
< <bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have
< <pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
< <(1999, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter
< <was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun
< <as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that
< <the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the
< <butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt
< <and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.
<
<
<
< <(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long
< <lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his
< <competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney,
< <Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday,
< <with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1
< <point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his
< <winning total of 236 (winners never quit!), which had also netted him
< <the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater
< <than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to
< <the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back
< <to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A
< <forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4
< <bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his
< <blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited
< <several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was
< <much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of
< <$13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan
< <required any further embalming.
<
<
<
< <(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning
< <British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty
< <Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of
< <hay
< <on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the
< <vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100'
< quarry
< <near Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the
< bike.
< <The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry
< <told
< <reporters.
<
<
< First Runner UP!!!
< <First Runner up Award goes to...
< <(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife have littered
< <Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn
< <citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent
< <an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the
< <southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing
< <continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded
< <anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and
< <the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink
< and
< <then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.
< <Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing
< <the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh
< <because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper
< <reported.
< eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
<
<
<
< And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....
< doh
< <(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings
< <time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At
< <precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded
< <in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the
< <bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated
< <prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind
< <the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature
< <switch from Daylight Savings time to standard time in order to
< <accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers.
< <Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling
< <havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled
< <area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already
< <switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route
< <when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their
< <well-deserved demise.
< <
< <Not Quite Darwin Winners....but they're trying their best
< <National Idiots
< <Ann Arbor Idiot
< <The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
< <King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash.
< <The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
< <register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
< <clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
< <walked away.
< <
< <Kentucky Idiots
< <Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain
< <from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
< <pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
< <off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the
< <chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached
< <to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the
< <bumper.
< <
< <Louisiana Idiot
< <A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
< <for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
< <and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
< <provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
< <bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
< <Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is
< <a crime committed?]
< <
< <Arkansas Idiot
< <Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
< <throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
< <run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
< <window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
< <head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made
< of
< <Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
< <New York Idiot
< <As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse
< <and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to
< <give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the
< <police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
< <back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
< <stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes,
< <officer...that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
< <
< <Seattle Idiot
< <When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
< <Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
< <at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near
< <spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
< <to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank
< <by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying
< <that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
< <
< <
< <
<