Re: Home Page Text: Rephrased First Paragraph

Looks ok to me.

Paul Goddard
09/27/99 04:51 AM
To: Kal Shah/HOU/ECT@ECT, Justin Boyd/LON/ECT@ECT, Mark - ECT Legal=20
Taylor/HOU/ECT@ECT
cc: Louise Kitchen/lon/ect, David Forster/LON/ECT@ECT, Marcello=20
Romano/LON/ECT@ECT=20
Subject: Re: Home Page Text: Rephrased First Paragraph

Kal/Justin/Mark - we would like to make a minor change to the first paragra=
ph=20
of the
home page text. Could you please reply by email indicating either your=20
approval
or suggested changes if there are any PR or legal issues?

Thanks.

Current Home Page Text (All):=20

Welcome to EnronOnline, the world's first Web-
enabled system for wholesale buying and selling
the full range of energy products and much more.=20

EnronOnline delivers easy, free of charge access
to hundreds of commodity prices across the
globe with the click of a mouse. Click here for a=20
preview.=20

Like what you see? Apply to Register now or=20
obtain a Guest Account and experience how=20
EnronOnline puts the Energy into E-Commerce.=20

Proposed New First Paragraph:

Welcome to EnronOnline, the world=01,s first Web-
based system enabling companies to buy and sell
the full range of wholesale energy products online.

(the remainder of the text remains unchanged, as above)
=20
---------------------- Forwarded by Paul Goddard/LON/ECT on 27/09/99 10:44=
=20
---------------------------

Louise Kitchen
24/09/99 17:43
To: Paul Goddard/LON/ECT@ECT
cc: David Forster/LON/ECT@ECT, Marcello Romano/LON/ECT@ECT=20
Subject: Re: Home Page Text: Rephrased First Paragraph =20

Fine as long as the work can be done not taking anything off real workload

Paul Goddard
24/09/99 16:41
To: Louise Kitchen/lon/ect
cc: David Forster/LON/ECT@ECT, Marcello Romano/LON/ECT@ECT=20
Subject: Home Page Text: Rephrased First Paragraph

Louise - I ran this by Dave and Marcello and they agreed with the revised=
=20
version subject to your approval. Let me know if you are happy with this or=
=20
if you want to rephrase it further. I can then forward it on to legal and=
=20
PR for a quick email approval. (The colour highlights below are just to=
=20
point out the changes for the purposes of this note). Thanks.

=20
ALTERNATIVE HOME PAGE TEXT - FIRST PARAGRAPH ONLY

Old First Paragraph:
Welcome to EnronOnline, the world=01,s first Web-
enabled system for wholesale buying and selling the=20
full range of energy products and much more.

Comments:
1) The location of the word "wholesale" makes this gramatically incorrect
2) "and much more" sounds rather clich,d.

Proposed First Paragraph:
Welcome to EnronOnline, the world=01,s first Web-
based system enabling companies to buy and sell
the full range of wholesale energy products online.

Advantages:
1) Gramatically correct
2) Explicitly reinforces that EnronOnline is for "companies" not individual=
s=20
who happen to surf to the Home Page and might otherwise think they can=20
buy/sell energy themselves
3) Extra word "online" at the end for emphasis and clarity.