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Enron Mail |
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn-care specialist. How bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your mother smoked a lot of pot while she was pregnant with you, didn't she? Santa Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! Love, Joey Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with. Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let meget you some nice Legos instead. Santa Dear Santa, I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please bring me some. Love, Michelle Dear Michelle, It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders." Santa Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays? Santa Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone. Santa Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Santa Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, No, but I watch your mommy when she's in the shower. When you get older and grow titties, I'll be watching you, too. Santa Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE, Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. Santa Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams! Santa
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